As I sit trying to to either scream or cry in frustration I've come to the point where I'm over it.

Done.

I can't take the bullshit anymore.

I just signed a lease for a new apartment and I'm ready to leave all of this drama behind me. I just have to make it until August.

I can't deal with this anymore. I'm killing myself and making myself sick with stress because of this. All of this. People being sketchy and acting like they don't have time for me and my friendship. Money issues that just aren't going away.

I have to look out for me. No one else seems to give a fuck me so I'm going to stop bending over backwards to keep relationships alive and others happy.

I'm cutting the negativity out of my life. So if you don't have anything positive to input keep your mouth shut.

After months of second guessing I've decided that I need to stop thinking so much. I sabotage myself. It pains me to realize this but its true, I think too much of what people will say. Well not everyone but the people that matter, you know? I could give two fucks about normal society but the one's that are near and dear can make or break how I view things.

Not to mention I'm way too concerned about being misunderstood. Maybe it comes from so many years of no one really understanding my humor/sarcasm and thinking I'm a super bitch or just super weird. I've ruined so many chances for myself to be involved with others. I'm very independent, I need almost no contact with people outside of my job. Probably because I deal with people who are just fucking mean for no reason. Seriously work at a restaurant for a couple days and you will have a new respect your server. Ugh.

I'm very singular and I try to act like things don't matter, and honestly most of them don't. But sometimes.....sometimes there are certain people that I want to know, that would get it, that I think would fit. And I just can't get the words out and I seem odd and awkward. Its frustrating because with other people in the same group of friends I am in turns hilarious and interesting, and when it matters I feel like I am 13 and can't think of anything to say to my first crush. It pisses me off because God knows, I always have something to say, I can barely keep my mouth shut most days.

And as another possibility pass me by all I can do is watch.

Weird couple of weeks. Not sure how I feel about something that are going on around me. Most of it is good but some of it is bordering on skecthy.

I am constantly amazed by people and how they interact. That makes me sound kind of like a robot but I'm serious. People act differently around different groups of people and I can't seem to understand why you have to adjust your personality to fit those around you. If these people are your friends shouldn't they know the real you?

And while I'm on the topic of friends, shouldn't your friends respect you and your feelings/thoughts? I'm questioning that because honestly, I've had enough of people thinking that just because I'm not constantly bitching about something inconsequential that I'm okay with how they are living/acting/carrying themselves.

I over the whole "all about me" attitude. I'm over the acting like a skank or you know actually being one, to get attention. Thats bullshit. I don't do that shit, and you can't honestly say that I do. I flirt and joke around but I'm not a slut and I don't like to associate myself with people who are. Its not cute. Get your shit together.

Ugh, I'm not in a good mood and I'm kind of glad that no one else is around right now. I have a feeling that I would be bitchy and not fun to be around. This always happens this time of year, cabin fever and all that ridiculousness.

 You must think I’m crazy
Behaving the way I do
Watching and contemplating the people around me.

I’m watching everyone
All the time
To see how they watch everyone else.

I notice thing that no one else sees
File them away and save them for reflection.

You may think I’m quiet
But its because you are so loud
You can’t hear my voice.

I feel weird. Maybe its the cold meds, maybe its just me. I feel like everyone knows my business, or at least thinks they know it. I also feel like people are making assumptions about me that might lead to trouble.

I don’t appreciate drama. Never have, never will. You got something to say? Say it to my face, don’t try to be cute and then talk shit behind my back. You have a question, ask it. You’ll get an answer, it might not be the one you want but oh well.

I also don’t appreciate getting treated like I’m some random skank. Just putting that out there.

You think you know, but you have NO idea.

Got a lot of things going on in my head right now. Things bouncing all around. Should I shouldn't I, could I couldn't I. Small fragments slowly driving me insane with wondering. I have the words they're just not in the right order, its just not the right time. Trying to re-learn a part of life after cutting myself off from it for so long. Finding myself attracted to someone/something and not really knowing what to do about it or if I even really want to pursue it, or even say anything, if its even real.

That's pretty much a whole new deal, it was never like that before. I'm not sure I like this new awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach, the bubbling in my chest, this lightness in my head. I'm practical, logical, and analytical but on the other hand dreamy, illogical, and flighty. I feel crazed, as if reality is just a bit out of sight, caught by the lens of my mind's eye in soft focus. 

I'm not even sure if its worth it, there are a ton of extenuating circumstances and I'm not even sure if this is just me seeing something that's not even there. I find myself thinking of things to say and never saying them when usually its the first thing to come out of my mouth. "Tongue tied and shy" is the perfect way to describe it. I've never been the one to blush and standby, I've always been the one in your face, cracking jokes and telling it "like it is". The funny thing is I'm still like that with everything else just not this facet of my life.

I have decided I have got to do something, say something or I'll slowly drive myself insane. When, where, how and what are all up for grabs.

I am beyond tired. I slept for like 2 hours last night because I had a close/open and I kept waking up because I thought I was going to oversleep. So I walk outside at 4:40am, half asleep, wanting nothing more than to curl up in my nice warm bed again, into the dripping freezing rain. I have to scrape off my car, and while doing so step in a huge effin' puddle, so my right foot is soaked in freezing water. Awesome. Get to work and have to take my life into my own hands to get across the parking lots because God forbid someone plow, or even put down some damn salt. Walk inside turn off the alarm and hear an ominous dripping....The damn ceiling is leaking. In two effin' spots, both containing light fixtures, in the huge front window of the restaurant. What the Fuck?!

I get the buckets out, its the only thing I can do, and I'll be damned if I try to take those lightbulbs out. Electricity+Water+Gabby is not an equation that I want to work out. One of my openers called off so I'm running with me and 2 other people, one being the prepper, until 7. The Baker doesn't even have the damn bagels out when I unlock the door.

That was the start of my day.

I'm taking a ridiculously long bubble bath with candles and music and maybe even a good book, just so I don't flip out and smack someone.

I'm being a little bitch, not sure why. Let me take that back I know why and it pisses me off. I hate that people/situations from years ago can still effect how you view situations/people today. Blah. Sometimes I wish I could be aggressive in all aspects of my life. I'm the type of person who tells you like it is once I let you into my inner circle. But getting into the inner circle is like travelling through the 7 levels of Dante's Inferno (if you don't know what that means you need to read a damn book) or so I've been told. Evidently I'm not a very open person. Well I'm open but not in ways that it counts or that other people who don't know me notice.

I have nothing to do today besides go to the eye doctor and that's just to get my glasses tightened so there's no set time. I feel like I either forgot something super important or that something big is coming up. Stupid crazy Gabby.